"GO NOW, YE PILLARS OF COCK, AND ERECT A PILLAR OF CASH! TAKETH NO MIND OF ART! TAKETH NO MIND OF THE TALENTED AND THE TRUTHFUL! YE ARE NEITHER! YE SHALL NOT DO AS THEY DO! YE SHALL NOT TAKETH RISKS! YE SHALL USE MAKE-UP AND GLAMOUR SHOTS TO FOOL ALL INTO BUYING YOUR MERCHANDISE!" It's probably posted on the wall of their practice space right now, as if an excerpt from the Absolute Douche Rocker Bible (sold for $29.95 at all Guitar Center stores): We at DBTS know this because we have seen the Pillars of the Falling Leafy Season all over the place for years now and their modus operandi remains constant. Still, what seems worse than this band being a hollowed-out cliche is that they probably go out of their way to keep themselves that way. They can - and they have, unless someone else did it for them - create for themselves a fittingly mind-numbing set of aliases like Rob Forever, Ed Always, Spencer Mabey, Frank Hardly, and Christopher Never. They can’t fly or fight or crow or write good music… Oh, wait, there is one other thing they can do. They may have once been people like you or I, but now they just *s*p*a*r*k*l*e*. Just as their guitars, drums and vocals are overproduced to the point that they are indiscernible from any other high-gloss, low-talent act on the market, so are the personalities of the individual band members smeared into absolute obscurity. The Autumn Pillar's image and sound compliment each other perfectly. I'VE GOT IT! How about "Michigan weather"!? Oooooh, and you can use some even more non-commital, trivial lyrics! ("One day it's freezing / One day we sweat / We're too pathetic to stand and fight it yet") And, oh! How I love the creative process! You can alternate between your lame-dick singing voice and that meticulously measured scream that you've been practicing! It will be the best throwaway-ass-rock record that will be released all day. We can only hope that some day you'll write an equally useless song about some other problem for which there is no immediate answer. Now anyone who says things like, "it's just the fuckin' government, man" and loves the WRIF will automatically love you. These perfectly reflect every 10th grader's perspective on war and industry ("Their machines destroy our land and we're too weak to take a stand"). Pillar of Autumn's music is the typical emo/metal trash littered with simplistic socio-political themes. They are a pile of filmy morning-after-Saint-Patrick's-Day shit with black eyeliner and puffed-out hair that stops you and asks you to buy its record and a couple of its T-shirts. They are shit, but they are shit that wants to sparkle, and, so intense is their desire, that they actually achieve a bit of an outward glint. In fact, we may be better off foregoing what will surely be weeks/days/months of intense loathing, headaches, hulk-like rages and weeping on each other's shoulders, and just telling you about this one band. The ship's sole remaining combat effective SPARTAN-II, John-117, was forced to detonate Pillar of Autumn's fusion reactor, destroying the ship and the installation to prevent the installation from firing.Pillar of Autumn is an apt choice for busting this blog's bitter little cherry because this band sums up everything that we are fighting against. Keyes crash-landed the ship on the installation where the surviving crew continued the battle against the Covenant and later, the Flood. There it was engaged by a Covenant fleet guarding Installation 04. The cruiser was guided to the Soell system by the AI Cortana. The operation was forestalled by the Covenant assault on Reach and the cruiser was one of the few UNSC survivors and fled the system having lost most of its intended SPARTAN-II passengers. Captain Jacob Keyes was placed in command. Prior to the Fall of Reach, Pillar of Autumn was selected to support a SPARTAN-II operation to capture Covenant leaders. It was informally referred to as the Autumn, and its name abbreviated to "PoA". The UNSC Pillar of Autumn, (Hull classification symbol C-709), was a Halcyon-class light cruiser in the UNSC Navy.
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